Blue Self-Existing Night GAP 3.22.18
Fired up. Triggered. Pulling the trigger on myself, though the mind seeks ways to rig me up and point fingers away, truly it’s doing the trigger pulling, it’s self-triggered, riggered, jiggered. How do we come to be so ‘full of ourselves’ anyway? One body with multitudes within, where do they come landing from, how do they get there under the skin? Bacteria born? Viral spread? Contagious? Can they be cooked out or ride along forever journeying once they take up residence? So odd how we’re born, head on hands sometimes, whole, sparkly eyed, full of wonder and curiosity, and then this world happens to us as we happen to the world and then layers get added, did we arrive here with them already? Much like the squash bug in an unplanted part of the earth, plant squash seeds and somehow the squash bugs show up though they weren’t there before, are they part and parcel of the seed?
Fired up. Stirred. To what? Anger, fear, constriction, friction, envy, aggression, defensiveness, comparison, assertion, annoyance, heartache, headache, anxiety, stagnation, desire for love, recognition, praise, acknowledgement. By what? Human. Interaction. Revealing. Weakness. Within.
There are instances that bring me face to face with these hidden ones that hunger for a fight when they feel threatened, ignored, challenged, yet when I engage in the fight then they want to turn and flee afraid of losing, confrontation, showing themselves . . . a cycle of fight and flee, self-contradictory, self-defeating, senseless, frustrating.
Feels as though a human is composed, a composition, of three worlds . . . above, middle, below . . . we are a world tree, our demons, imps, goblins live below in the underworlds of niflheim, muspelheim, hel, fiendish beneath our feet . . . we are a world tree, above are the gods, mythic ones, angels, elves, giants amongst men, big hearted, big chested, strong armed, Valkyries, forged by light, knights, impeccable, above reproach, fierce, just, avatars, celestials, fairies, star beings, light beings . . . we are a world tree, in the middle, midgard, circled by serpent, by ritual, we keep our head above our feet, above the below, ride the chariot as mortals, our gaze to the heavens above, focused on the light, centered in the middle ground from where we step out and engage and how we do this will be a reflection of what’s above, what’s below, whether it’s all integrated, balanced, in harmony . . . all exist in the world tree, the above below middle, and then there are branches . . . this is as far as it’s come to me today, the shit below comes up to the surface sometimes and you can’t lock it away in a Tartarus, it only grows angrier and stronger and wilder; somehow you’ve got to find a way to live and play from the whole of the tree, that is the tree of life of you are the world tree . . . .
As for me, personally, engaging with the cosmos, the universe, non-human realms, is utterly harmonic and sweet and amazing . . . the lowlife’s inside me seem to have no interest in showing up when dealing with any non-humans . . . it is only and exclusively with my own species that they pop up, not always but certainly they do and only when I’m engaged with humans . . . they seem to have no love for humans, even though this world of ‘me’ that they live in is human, yet they run rampage inside and fluctuate between fury, sorrow, desire to dominate, and flee to lick their wounds when they feel beaten by these very humans that they dislike, feasting on their own feelings . . . all of which in turn is happening to, with, within me, as we are one!!
So what do I do? Cloister myself away from humans below a certain age . . . they never show up, these cretins, with children, usually under eight or around there . . . it’s as though they have no gripe with the innocent, non-humans and children, interesting no? So then, as a human, how to walk around other humans . . . as in, if these underfoot aspects rear up around humans, are they cuing me in to which are nasty, speaking to the nastiness within me that responds . . . showing me who is who?
Maybe it’s that simple::learn from the cretins who is a cretin too, but choose not to respond as a cretin . .. let the cretin rise up, feel it there, acknowledge it’s showing me someone as a cretin, but don’t give it the reigns to response . . . is this even doable? To respond from Midgard space, centered, even when the rising lowlife’s are chaffing at the bit? Maybe they don’t necessarily show up to respond but to show? Maybe when I try to control them, responding from the extreme opposite by default thus treating what they’ve shown me from a higher place than it’s worthy of, they get madder than they were and then they fight me for control? Maybe if I just ‘get’ what they’re showing me, stay calm, and respond from that center space, neither elevating nor lowering, they’ll be fine with that?
I may as well see what happens, after all, I am a world tree and my branches are many, I just have to scamper along and explore them a little bit more, leaf out tree, leaf out, shed, grow . . .